Being fucking fat will save your fat fucking life

[Scruffington]

Last week, a German man was mugged. This was no ordinary mugging, because the man that was being mugged was fat. Easy target, you're thinking, and yes, you are correct. The fat man put up very little struggle, but the mugger still shot him. Now, the fat man had been drinking, and claims he does not remember any gunshot. Still, however, you'd think that he would wake up the next morning and realize he had been shot?

WRONG.

He waits two days, goes to file a police report, and as the poor slob is letting himself be checked for wounds, the bullet literally TUMBLES out of a roll of fat. So in case you're wondering, you must be at least 280 pounds in order to STOP A BULLET WITH YOUR FUCKING EXCESS. Out of all the super powers, being fat is probably the worst.



Does this make you want to be fatter, or are you still content to be vulnerable to bullets?

[Sweden Kjeldsen]

I want to be fatter

[Scruffington]

Think about this carefully. If you become fat, yes, you will have the ability to stop bullets. But at the same time, you will also be a complete and utter drain on society, with nothing of value to offer. Except your ability to stop bullets.

[Sweden Kjeldsen]

That's pretty much what I am now, except I can run damn fast and shit like that instead of stopping bullets.

When the next war breaks out, I will be used to attract enemy fire while my leaner comrades carry out their orders. They shall all hail me.

[Scruffington]

See, that's a solid plan right there. If only all fat people had plans like that, the world would be saved.

[ADAM>>>>]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TuArFVdFLE

Ya... being fat must be real fun.

[Scruffington]

Well, looks like I really have to watch that movie now. Not only that, but Colin Farrell has COMPLETELY REDEEMED himself.

[Sweden Kjeldsen]

Alright guys, I have gotten these ringtraining.com/shop/equipment/elite-rings.html
And I have determined that I am not truly fat before I can break them simply by hanging from them. They have a 2 year warranty, so I must achieve this within that time-frame.

This thread is now about giving me tips to gain fat very fast. I am about 60 kg right now.

Need to gain: A LOT.

[Scruffington]

Many people don't realize the inherent value in pies.

You should try some.



Also, you need to up your burger intake. Immediately.

[Bloodcider]

I'd recommend moving here to America, as well. Fattening fast food is cheap and easy. For ten bucks you can get ten double cheeseburgers at Wendy's. Or ten junior bacon cheeseburgers. Fuck, I love value menus. But anyways, yeah, if you don't want to burn calories leaving the house, you can have fattening foods delivered to your door. Not just pizza and chinese, but actual shipments of groceries! Hell yeah.

Also some what related, my pants fell off today when I put them on after taking a shower. So I looked at my weight on the scale, and somehow I've managed to accidentally drop from 135 pounds to 128 in less than a month. How the fuck do people have a hard time losing fucking weight? It's not goddamn hard. Fucking fat fucks.

[Sweden Kjeldsen]

OMG TOM WHAT ARE THOSE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES DOING IN THERE DON'T WASTE MY TIME IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU OR SOMETHING OMG

[Scruffington]

You're absolutely right. I've already lead you astray. You should just consume some serious beef until you get the meat sweats.

[Sweden Kjeldsen]

Looks good, but are those dried peppers on the bun??? They're not very calorie-dense, you know...

[Bloodcider]

Shit man, vegetables are fattening too. They got oils n' shit.

[Sweden Kjeldsen]

If it aint trans fat, it ain't for me.